So much water under the bridge...

Wow! I can hardly believe how much has happened since I last posted. Where to begin...

The IVF cycle was a success! We collected 12 eggs which results in 3 5day blasts, 2 were frozen and one transferred. The embie stuck and we were finally pregnant! I had a smooth, uneventful pregnancy, followed by a long and drawn out birth which finally ended with the beautiful words "Meet you new son". Those words reduced me to tears and I was a total mess as I held my newborn son to my chest. I have never felt such an overwhelming feeling of relief, love, fear and hope all mixed into one. I will most likely post another time about the birth in more detail.

So I am now on maternity leave and looking after my almost 6month old boy Owen. He is the absolute sunshine of my husband and my lives. Every day he brings us joyful laughs and unconditional love. I look into his eyes and feel tears well up in mine. I am reduced to tears on a daily basis when I gaze at the beautiful creation we gave birth to. I never imagine I would feel quite this way. He looks amazingly like my husband, with the most dashing blue eyes and pinchably chubby cheeks. His hands and feet are incredibly soft and he has the most perfect skin.

There is so much more I could write, I could go on all night. But I will sum this post up by saying my life is amazing now. I still feel up and down, I find some things easier than others and some times I struggle to keep positive. But when I think that I could have had a childless life and never felt the touch of my own child's hand on my face or never had to smell my own child's nappy, I know my life could be so much sadder right now.

So here is to living, loving, being loved, and baby kisses.

I am forever grateful.

Update

Wow, long time no post...

So a lot has happened since I previously wrote here. Last time I was here, I was starting on Clomid. Well 3 cycles down, and still not BFP. We have also since had our FS appt and additional tests have shown that DH has sperm antibodies preventing them from swimming and meeting the egg. I feel such relief knowing that there has been a reason for all this non-pregnancy. But now we face the real prospect of never having children. There is definitely hope for us, we're in our first cycle of IVF/ICSI as we speak, but there is also a good chance that this will fail.

I've found the financial burdon of doing IVF very hard to deal with. We've done so well to build ourselves up financially and now it feels like everything is eroding away. I truely dread if we do have to do a few cycles of IVF, whilst I know you can not put a price on a child, it is damned hard to just accept how much it costs just to have a child. And yet, this government is happy to pay teenage children to have babies. Nothing makes sense.

So that's where we stand right now. Tomorrow is my EPU and saturday is our forecasted transfer date. All we can do now is wait and see, and hope for the best.

Mother's Day

Or should that be non Mother's Day? Whatever. It sucks. I didn't give it all that much thought really, until tonight. These sunday night dinners with my inlaws are becoming torture. I leave feeling deflated and depressed every week. 

My SIL announced tonight that the twins she is carrying are both boys. To which my MIL announced that she has made her the happiest person in the world. I guess that must make me the person that makes her the least happy. Seeing as I can't seem to provide her with either male or female grandchild. I know that she sure makes me the most miserable person in the world. I feel so inadequate. I can't help but sit awkwardly at the dinner table, avoiding eye contact with any of them. Sometimes I think if my eyes meet theirs, I will just start to cry. I can't take this for much longer. I think we are going to have to start reducing these weekly dinners down to a fortnightly event. 

I really hope this Clomid works this cycle. I can't take this much longer. In saying that, having my SIL pregnant with twins really has put a dampner on everything. I almost don't want to fall pregnant because it just won't mean anything to anyone but my husband and I. I just feel that nobody cares...

Overwhelmed

Sometimes there seems to be nothing but darkness. Those times are now. I just don't know why I feel so depressed at night. But I really hate this feeling. It is the same feeling I used to get, desperation. Feeling like I'm drowning and have no way out. I want to tell someone, reach out, but I can't. I already feel like I bring everyone else down, I don't want to make it even worse. 

I feel like I'm in a dream, floating along in a bubble. Watching the world revolve whilst my world feels like it's falling apart. Though me life isn't really crumbling. Beautiful husband, reasonable paying job, generally healthy. So why do I feel like I am dying a slow death? I know if I don't fall pregnant soon, I will have to go back on anti depressants. It's kind of ironic seeing as I stopped them and bettered myself in preparation for pregnancy, yet it is the lack of pregnancy now making me depressed. What a world this is.

Day 1 of Clomid

So I took the first dose of Clomid last night, and I feel the effects of it already.  I'm getting O like pains almost constantly, and boy am I grumpy. My FIL decided to bug me tonight and I just didn't want a bar of it. I wonder if he can tell that I'm just fed up. I'm just not interested in him putting everything I do down. Seriously, he can be as bad as my father at times! Sometimes, when you are just looking for a bit of support, all you get is crap thrown at you. My inlaws are really beginning to dig themselves a hole when it comes to me. First when my DH confides in his mother about our TTC, she blabs it to everyone. Which was doubly hard as my SIL had just announced her twin pregnancy. Now when I try to do things with my work life to make things better, all he can do is put me down. Life is just so fricken tough right now, I just don't need people giving me shit about everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and die :(

Hurting

It is just so hard, sometimes, you don't think about it all that much. Then other times, it is all consuming. Very little thing you see or hear reminds you of what you don't have. Hearing things make my heart twist into a knot and I battle to hold back the tears. At times I succeed, others I don't.

I guess I'm just having a sad moment. I know it will pass, but I know it will return. I want to feel happiness in my heart again. I want to feel joy. I want this movie I'm watching to be over so I can go to bed and cry. 

Another Month....

So we have now completed yet another unsuccessful TTC cycle.  So we have now completed 18 cycles, and not a sign of pregnancy. I just want to cry. Every part of me aches just at the thought of having to continue on this rollercoaster. 

We start our first cycle of Clomid this month, I start in 2 days. I honestly doubt it will help at all, seeing as it's designed to make me ovulate, yet tests show that is already occurring. My OB just thought that it might give me that extra lift and hopefully fall pregnant. We have also booked a fertility specialist appointment for July 9th. I really hope the Clomid works, and we save ourselfs having to go through assisted conception.

I just don't know what more I can do. This journey makes me miserable. My work life is also so depressing. I'm looking for a new job but it's just so hard right now. There isn't much around that I really want to do. I'm hoping I will be able to change departments soon and then it will start to get a bit better. Sigh